MrRoyalAlbert and Friends

Online dating is weird. Back up, regular dating is weird. It’s just fucking weird. I understand it’s a necessary evil. Still weird. And time consuming and expensive and frankly, potentially dangerous.

Stranger #1 “I would like to drive you to an undisclosed location, buy you food, ask you questions, and then take your clothes off. Please give me a way to harass you in case I never see you again.”

Stranger #2: “Okay. (XXX) XXX-XXXX”

Nope. Hate it. It’s just so fucking awkward. Everything. It’s a job interview with drinks. No one shows their real self at a job interview. No one. You don’t see their “Oh shit I overslept!” face at an interview. No. We see as good as it gets. This is literally the  best they can do. Remember that. If there’s a red flag at dinner, you are guaranteed a full-blown shit show two months from now. It’s all just a judgement call. Dating is an educated guess and I don’t feel qualified to make those decisions after an hour at Sizzler and two glasses of pink wine.

Online dating seems safer, provided you’re actually chatting with the person in the photo, but it’s still weird. I must just not like people enough. I’m trying; I really am. Mainly because I don’t want to die alone, but if I happen to run in to an actual conversation, there’s a good chance I’ll take my pants off.

In my spare time, when I’m not writing about random shit and getting drunk, I try and contribute to my circle of friends by vetting potential dates.

Speaking of friends, I have some fucking amazing friends. I don’t tell them nearly enough, but chicks can be assholes a lot of the time. To have this many badass women in my life is nothing short of amazing.

Anyway, in an effort to keep them alive, I created a few online profiles to filter ‘light bondage, but mostly harmless’ from ‘it rubs the lotion on its skin.’ Up until recently, I had only entered enough information to stalk potential suitors. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a profile belonging to someone who swore he ‘wasn’t seeing anyone else’ that I decided to submit a photo and get back out there (from the privacy of my own home).

I really just wanted to see what would happen. If it happened to go my way and I got a decent response, maybe screenshot that shit and tell him to fuck off.

It went my way.

Once I got the petty out of my system, I was horrified. My phone did not stop making noise for the better part of an hour. It was as if they were all just staring at their phones waiting for any marginally attractive woman to post a head shot.

Do they have jobs? What if they were driving? What are you doing with your life that affords you the freedom required to like a photo on a dating site 7 seconds after being published?

Beyond the obvious thirst, what in the holy hell are these men thinking when creating their profiles? I understand they’re probably just as confused as I am, but some common sense would go a long way. It’s kind of back to the interview idea. When you submit a resume, you probably aren’t going to use your college email address. ‘cougbanger69’ isn’t exactly the epitome of professionalism. Same thing with your dating profile. I feel like these men need a helper or at least a few guidelines.


  1. Use the number 69 in ANY capacity.
  2. Add ‘taco’ to your already confusing username.
  3. Claim to be “the best” anything. It’s a subjective world, Bro. Expectations.
  4. Nuts. Doesn’t matter how you spell it.
  5. This. 

I am actually somewhat impressed with Mr Albert. It’s fairly clever, if you’re into that sort of thing. He probably does okay.


  1. Use your own photo, taken within the last 5 years.
  2. Clean Your goddamned bathroom.
  3. Borrow a dog. Take a photo with it.
  4. Clothing. Put a shirt on for fuck sake.
  5. Don’t be fucking weird.

Let’s say you find a person equally as awkward and you hook up a few times. You continue to see them. You like them, but you’re not exclusive. These sites have their finger on the pulse of your every waking moment. They’re like Facebook Messenger times a million. Features like ‘online now’ and ‘who viewed me’ and ‘last online’ are just taunting the crazy buried within us all. If you can pull off a lasting relationship after enduring the awkward phase before you decide it’s time to mutually delete your profiles, please let me know about it. You will have restored my faith in the system.
In the meantime, I’ll just be over here waiting on that text back from Sleeves. He claims ‘Chivalry is not dead’ and he’s ‘online now’ so it shouldn’t be too long.

2 Replies to “MrRoyalAlbert and Friends”

  1. I am going to add my own version of wtf.. And,I haven’t even tried O.L.D.
    Omg do not tell me your ducking high school touch down story! Did you watch Married With Chikdren?
    It takes more that baked ribs to get my clothes off.
    Be interesting, don’t lie. It ain’t hard to be decent.


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