“Maybe”

If you’re over 30 years old, chances are you’ve test driven a vehicle. If that test drive took place at a dealership, most of you have been through the excruciatingly long write-up phase of the sale. During this phase, the salesperson will say and do anything to convince you this is the vehicle you want to own. He has likely spent hours getting to know you while holding your trade vehicle hostage somewhere on a back lot. If you leave with your vehicle, he has failed. Car salespeople are not paid an hourly wage and no one wants to waste time making a friend instead of a paycheck. They would have you belive the only way to guarantee leaving the dealership in time to catch Kimmel is to  ‘circle the payment that works best for you and your family.’ This is true, but only if you actually want to own the vehicle. In that case, get comfy. It’ll be a while, but you will eventually come to an agreement, get raped by F&I, and possibly make it home in time for breakfast. 

But what if you aren’t sold on the car? What if this is your first stop and you still need to get the shop out of your system? Or it’s not as comfortable as you wanted? Or it’s the wrong color? Or you just don’t like it? 

Buyer are liars. The majority of buyers are terrified to object. We think we’re being polite as though the salesperson has an emotional connection to the pre-owned Civic with dog hair and a chipped winshield, so we make shit up. We need to think about it, or pray about it, or pick up the kids, or we left a ham in the oven; the list is endless. When we try and leave, we will be forced to interact with at least two more salespeople and likely a manager who will vomit away every dollar of profit trying to ‘close’ before we finally receive our keys and make the 20 minute hike to Trade Row. 

It doesn’t end there. From now until the end of time, we will appear in that poor kid’s work plan. Buy or die. He is required to call us until we buy or die. After a few weeks, we will have no choice but to block the dealership number and rant about pushy salespeople. 

“Why he won’t get the hint and leave me alone?”

The answer is hope. To him, we are a ‘maybe’ and on a stormy day in October, when it’s been dark since noon and he hasn’t seen a customer since yesterday, that maybe is better than nothing. 

Solution: Stop being so fucking polite. Seriously, fuck polite.

If you don’t like it, say “I don’t like it.” 

If you aren’t ready to buy, say “I don’t want to buy it.”  

You’re saving everyone from an endless cycle of frustration. No sales manager is working figures if you don’t like the car. It is a colossal waste of time. 

When you get that follow up call and you found something you liked more, “I bought a different one.” They won’t call back. Buy or die.

But don’t stop there.

Think about the all the so-called “crazy” women or that “stage 3 clinger” from last month? How many are just following up on a maybe that should’ve been a no? How about the hurt feelings and potential property damage that comes from not knowing the other person still needed to “shop around?”

If you’re not ready, don’t fucking pretend. If it’s a no, say that and stop wasting everyone’s time. Stop being so fucking selfish. Yes, someone else may buy it while you’re out shopping around. That’s just how shit works. And don’t be a pussy and just block the number or ignore. Be real, tell the truth, and maybe, just maybe, buying car and dating won’t fucking suck.

ADDENDUM:

80% of car buyers purchase a different vehicle than originally intended, primarily due salesmanship. If you answer the why? be prepared to buy. 

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