Eyes Wide Shut

I pay attention to details, minutiae. It may be the subtle movement of a picture frame or a single strand of auburn hair lying on an otherwise spotless countertop, I have studied my surroundings and I will notice any deviation from routine. The tiniest of seemingly insignificant details are recorded and catalogued to be referenced at a later time; usually when I am in need of ancillary evidence to corroborate my intuition.

I am a skeptic by nature and suspicious by nurture. As a child of a mentally unstable parent, I learned to analyze tone and inflection in order to control my environment. Her voice was different when she was about to unravel. She blinked faster. He mouth was drier. Her methodology changed. The car keys were moved.  The bed was unmade because she hadn’t slept and was tossing all night. The more information I collected, the more closely I could predict an episode and prepare for the fallout. 

I approach relationships in much the same way. I do not believe in the benefit of the doubt. Trump has not earned my respect simply because of his name tag nor will some rando simply because he has a decent Tinder. Am I a stalker? Yes, to some degree I am. I think everyone should spend more time vetting the people they allow inside.  You can’t even land a second interview without an HR intern creeping your Facebook page, but you’re willing to get up close and (even more) personal with MrRoyalAlbert based solely on his love for dick jewelry? No. 

Assuming he passes the preliminaries and does in fact own said jewelry, phase two begins. Details. So he’s a doctor as well? Neat. Which hospital? Single, no kids? Perfect! Have you lived in the area long? First time using a dating site? Me too. What was your email again? Nice house! Pizza Hut must’ve really stepped up their game. 


1) Google is God in terms of research, but you have to know how to search. Google it.

2) Each state has its own court page. Want to find out if he/she is married or a convicted felon? Look it up. 

3) Chances are, he/she is using the same username for every dating site and it oftentimes corresponds to their email address. Google it. Insta it. Reddit. Pin it. 

4) Property tax and owner information is posted online. Try a parcel search. 

This is all a matter of public record, 100% free, and nothing about it is creepy. We live in the digital age in the United States of America. If you honestly believe the NSA can’t disable your iPhone in as much time as it’s taken to read this sentence, you deserve MrRoyalAlbert and friends. Everyone else, look some shit up and try not to get roofied or worse. 

You may have noticed a glaring omission from the list above, Facebook has its own set of search tricks and challenges. If after everything, you still feel the need to dig through his/her best friend’s cousin’s step brother’s aunt’s page, you probably shouldn’t go for that third date. Trust your gut and leave it alone. If you’re already emotionally invested in this person, good luck. Try not to hit your head on the bottom of the rabbit hole, take frequent breaks to keep your blood flowing, and take a nap after a day or so. 

So they’ve passed with flying colors, what now? Keep you’re eyes open. Ask questions. Pay attention. Have a real conversation every once in a while. Know them better than they know themselves. Don’t ignore inconvenient truths. You shouldn’t have to stalk or snoop. Never lose sleep over anything other than mind blowing sex. If you feel like you need to drive by unexpectedly or spend quality time alone with their phone, it’s already over. Either you’re batshit crazy or they’re a shit bag. Move the fuck on. 

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