Not to get all Gloria Steinem, but holy fuck me. Can we please be finished with this shit?! For real.
I woke up early and crabby with zero desire for human interaction, so I decided to go home and let Captain Underpants sleep in peace. As I waited to pay $12 for mediocre coffee and a seven thousand calorie breakfast sandwich, I mindlessly scrolled through everyone’s favorite time waster. ‘Crabby’ may have been an understatement. I am a bitch today. But this shit, come the fuck on!
It’s 2017. Do we really need tips on how to “keep” a man as though he’s a Chocolate Lab who is constantly trying to run away? Are we really so desperate for pseudo affection we’re willing to completely dismantle who we are in order to get Manbun in the corner to pay attention to us? I wonder how we’d react if these articles were accurately titled?
“There’s something wrong with you on a fundamental level, here’s a list of things you should change in order to trick him into marrying and later divorcing you.”
“Don’t tell him you like him because men are giant pussies who have no idea how to process feelings and who run away at the first sign of affection. Instead, just suck his dick. How to get a mansion with your mouth in 6 easy steps.”
“Did he make it apparent that he wants nothing to do with you by completely fucking disappearing? Don’t worry, read on for how to re-position yourself in his circle without looking super fucking crazy.”
What’s worse, women are writing this shit! It’s as if it’s assumed we will never find a man who actually enjoys spending time with us as we are, so we have to share cock capturing best practices.
Pretty sure guys aren’t reading shit like, “How to make her commit and take your average-sized cock off the market for good.”
- “Don’t ask her where she’s going. Women hate having to explain themselves to men. Just make her a sandwich when she rolls in at 2:30am.”
- “Let her lead the pace of the relationship. Women hate being pushed. She needs to feel like she’s in charge.”
- “If you know she likes camping and you would rather have a root canal, don’t say anything, suck it up and sleep on rocks. Remember, there’s always another cock just waiting to jump inside her. The only way to fend them off is by compromising your health.”
- “If she’s ever crabby for no reason, bury your face in her vagina. They like that shit.”
Actually #4 is solid. I’ll allow it.
What happened to being with someone who likes being with you as much as you like being with them? Sure, it sucks to realize you like someone more than they like you, but you suck it the fuck up, order another round, and move the fuck on.
That is all.