1999

Captain Underpants is having a party this weekend and has spent an inordinate amount of time positioning his greater good guest list. Full of talk tracks and buzzwords, it was presented in a way that to disagree would have dismantled the evening’s cock capturing expedition, so I went with it. I’ve only heard his Director’s voice once, but based on the level of condescension, I imagine he’s probably pretty successful in his line of work. 

Anyway, the roll out involved his assertion that it is perfectly normal, dare I say noble, to segregate his friend groups. The ‘haves’ do not mingle with the ‘have nots’, but not based on whether they have or have not because that would just be mean. Instead, he will tell you this caste system is based solely on his desire for his guests to ‘have a good time’. 

Before I go any further, it should be noted that, to some degree, I understand his position. Had you asked me four years ago, I likely would have, for starters, not been there in the first place. But if somehow a cosmic shift had taken place and I found myself in a dive bar in a shitty little town on the outskirts of Seattle discussing a BBQ showdown with a tatted up ginger boy, I would have agreed that my six-figure friends have no business co-mingling with the peasants in my life. 

As the roll out progressed, it became apparent that I would not be extended an invitation to his meat soirée. 

My first inclination was to validate my intelligence and ability to apply logic in social situations by providing a detailed account of every time I didn’t shit the bed in front of important people. But a poker player does not show their cards unless absolutely necessary and I was not about to get tilted this early in the hand. I allowed him to continue his pitch. 

He listed example after example of situations in which those pesky have nots either had nothing in common with or had embarrassed him in front of the haves. From storytelling ability to content to the inability to remain quiet at all times, the have nots posed an imminent threat to his position within the ranks. Unfortunately, his opinion is popular and will likely only be swayed by an extraordinary circumstance that renders him a have not. Or by not being so fucking judgy, but whatever. 

This should be interesting…

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