…1999

Speaking of judgy…

The time had come to let someone else experience the joy of owning an exquisitely beautiful shitbox. That’s right, Kids, “Tschüss Audi.” The Captain wanted a truck and I am an expert at two things, using my mouth to get what I want and spending other people’s money. 

Silverware caddy. Check.
86 Audi. Check. 

*evil laughter*

No, Dr Phil, I’m not trying to change anyone. These are both sound, grown-up decisions and the truck is sexy as fuck. 

If you’re unfamiliar with the world of auto buying and finance, the rest of the story won’t be as impressive. It’s pretty fucking impressive so I’ve included the basics below. 

The manufacturer’s suggested retail price or MSRP is the figure printed on the window sticker and is generally regarded as the price of the vehicle before dealer added options. The invoice, which is not on public display, is the receipt from the manufacturer and represents the dealer’s cost. This isn’t an auto buying expose, so I won’t bore you with details on holdback and flooring, but it is sufficient to say there is a fair amount of dealer profit between our price and theirs. 

It is the Sales Manager’s job to retain this margin, but it is the Buyer who has the advantage. While the Sales Manager is responsible for maximizing profit, they are also under an incredible amount of pressure to reduce the amount of vehicles in inventory. If a skilled Buyer is able to ‘sell’ the value of the latter, they may agree to a deal with little to no profit based solely on their desire to write “sold” on a whiteboard. 

This is not what took place two years ago when Captain First Pass acquired his lovely piece of German engineering. 

Assuming you come to an agreement, the next step is to decide how to pay. Unless you enjoy losing money by spending your hard earned, liquid cash on a depreciating asset that will never be worth as much as you think it is, you’ll finance the purchase. The Lender will examine your credit history, income, debt, as well as the value of the vehicle being purchased. Typically, the Lender will not loan more than 140% of the vehicle’s value and that’s assuming a virtually perfect credit score. The ‘value’ figure is the invoice cost, not MSRP making it even more important to close the gap between the two. This equation is called the loan to value ratio or LTV. LTV guidelines protect the Lender and prevent the dealership from adding too much profit to the purchase price which can result in negative equity in the future. 

Captain Shops Alone must’ve had impeccable credit when he wandered on the lot in late 2014. I’d be willing to bet his salesperson could pick him out of a crowd to this day. No one forgets the face of the stranger who paid their mortgage payment after only a few hours of schmoozing and a test drive. After calculating the trade value of the Audi against the amount still owed, a miracle was in order. 

I have to give a shout out to the gentleman responsible for the trade appraisal and his complete disregard of the Jameson effect. All four tires and wheels, along with both bumpers had fallen victim to Captain Blackout yet nothing was deducted for reconditioning. Sorry Bro, pay better attention to the details next time. 

Fast forward two hours and Captain Thankful was signing titling documents. In the end, I basically stole the vehicle on the front end, rolled $12,000 in negative equity, stayed under his payment budget, and did it all with zero money down. It was a goddamned miracle. 

As we settled in for our celebratory drink, it was time to address the matter of his upcoming get together. I did not initiate this discussion as I had fully planned to go on being angsty and likely take a break from his cock for a while. If he had been truly worried that I would be unable to endear his people with my winning personality and expert food preparation, he wouldn’t have minded my absence. 

TL;DR- My feelings were hurt and I had planned to pout about it. 

“About the party tomorrow…”

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