1. Be Nice
It should go without saying, yet here we are. Be nice. Don’t say mean things. If you’re upset or frustrated, put your big boy pants on and start acting like a fucking adult. Calmly discuss what’s bothering you like we were all taught to do in the second fucking grade.
Note: passive-aggressive bullshit doesn’t count. If you have something to say, say it. 9 times out of 10 it’s a misunderstanding anyway. Stop it.
2. Be Consistent
You figured out how to be nice yesterday, why not try it again today? Alternatively, if you didn’t like me yesterday and didn’t have enough respect for my humanness to have a second grade conversation with me, you aren’t allowed to like me again just because you feel better. Apologize and stop being a jackass.
3. Use Your Manners
- If you say you’re going to call (please don’t) or text, then do that. It literally takes less than a minute to follow up on your commitment. Don’t for one millisecond think I believe your phone wasn’t within 7 inches of your body at all times. I’m a girl, I’m not a moron.
- If you invite me to do something and I accept, understand that I have likely declined another invitation in lieu of your invitation. If you blow me off for something else, you will have ruined two sets of plans all because you’re a selfish asshole.
- Don’t be a selfish asshole.
- If we are in the middle of a conversation and you disappear, I am contractually obligated to worry about whether you’re okay. Let’s pretend we were having a face to face conversation and I suddenly disappeared. You would wonder what just happened. Same thing. Especially if you’re epileptic or have a history of driving drunk. That’s what people do when they care about other people. Don’t be rude.
4. Use Your Words
I am a grown ass woman, if you don’t like me, tell me. If I pissed you off, tell me. Conversely, if you like me, tell me. Otherwise, I will assume you’re not into it and adjust my attitude accordingly. I will go from blowjob to Bro in less time than it took you to finish.
5. Don’t Ghost Me
If you do, you’ll die. Yes, you will be dead to me. You will cease to exist. I will treat you exactly as you’ve treated me and you will become invisible. I will not answer your two month later texts. I will not politely converse in public. This isn’t The Sixth Sense, I don’t see dead people. If you are so much of a pussy that you’re unable to politely and clearly inform me of your desire to discontinue our arrangement, you do not deserve to have a follow-up conversation. Ever.
6. Tell The Truth
All the time. Non-Negotiable.
7. Check Yourself
We are all deeply flawed individuals. We’re all just looking for someone a little less crazy and a little more kinky than we are. Before you step into your judgy-pants, take a look in the mirror and recognize the shit show you’re bringing to dinner.
8. Show Me Something
Again, and I know this is difficult because it involves being human, but you have to be more than your Facebook profile. I don’t give two shits about your surface bullshit so if that’s the girl you’re looking for, hit it. I am not the one.
9. Worship My Body
Fuck me well.
10. Understand My Brain
Ask questions. Learn me. Study me. If you’ve never noticed that I compulsively adjust my coaster to line up with the table or the temperature is always set to an even number or that I group items of three into little penis/ball combos or that I pull my bottom lip to the left when I’m nervous, you’re not wasting my time, you’re wasting yours. If I don’t intrigue you, if you don’t want to step outside your comfort zone and break your rules in order to know me, if I have to worry about being ghosted or lied to or judged or ignored, I am not your person.
Go find her and leave me the fuck alone.