If you’re over the age of 45, listen up. Millennials think you’re morons. Yes, Millennials, the whiny brats who got to sit on a ‘time-out’ stool and watch television instead of getting their asses beat. The confused seven year olds who kicked goals for the opposing team yet still got a trophy. The twenty five year olds who still struggle with contractions. Those entitled little fucks wholeheartedly believe you are a great big dummy.
Let that sink in.
I know you remember when the internet was born. Think about your parents calling from their landline and asking you why their computer keeps ‘breaking’ every time they’re on the phone. Or when they camped in your basement after draining every dime from their savings in preparation for Y2K. You’re turning into them. Only this time when shit goes down and you need a customer service agent to reset your password you’ll be talking to someone who got their first iPhone from Santa Claus. They are born with an AppleID and a Snapchat login and will have infinitely less patience than when you were explaining dial up to your dad.
Our cars talk to satellites in the sky. Ever wonder why that kayak you were considering on Amazon keeps popping up on your Facebook page or how they know you’re curious about Furries? It’s technology and it’s all around us. I’m pretty sure my Roomba has a direct line to Satan and that other bitch works for the CIA. Unless you plan to wrap your head in Reynolds and hunker down until the polar ice caps turn into fresh drinking water for Detroit, you’re gonna need to learn some shit.
You’re an adult. You’re supposed to be smarter than the average toddler, but if you don’t know your own aol email address, you’re going to time out. You learned how to drive using a manual transmission for fuck sake, you can learn how to operate a smartphone. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. You’re not taking a stand against anything other than progress. And please stop with the, ‘I’m a Caveman’ bullshit. Cool, then carve important shit into a rock, just stop expecting the rest of us to watch you.
If you’re a check writer and you’re truly afraid of electronic currency, break out the Yellow Pages and your rotary phone, find a bank who will exchange your funds for gold bullion, and then head to Walmart. Let me know how it goes.
Stop. Just stop it.
Real talk, with the exception of the check writers who are clearly just bored, you’re lazy. If your wife created your AppleID, you’re lazy. If you haven’t taken the time to memorize that shit, you’re lazy. If you’re worried about looking dumb by asking your Admin for help, good news! She already thinks you’re a moron. I’m sure she’d be happy to show you how to reply to your own goddamn emails and how to set up Uber on your Galaxy S4. Let’s all just take a look around and imagine our babysitters aren’t available. If, as a grown up, you need assistance doing grown up shit, you’re just lazy or entitled or you’re a Millennial.